i hate to be trite, but i feel like im wrestling with the same old things. over and over. i can't get away from loneliness silly little insecurities. i can't do this alone, but i look back over the last three years only to see that i've continued doing it alone all along. is this how life is going to go? i'm not sure i can do this. i can see why people settle for jobs they hate... they're safe. i've really been defining for myself what's important. i've come up with two things: my family, and my music. i haven't really found anything else that comes close. those two are what keeps me going, even when i run the race alone. so bring it. bring the same old things if you dare. i'll keep swinging just the same i've been, all the while hoping and praying that some things change in this lonely race.

these secret words fear me. they tremble at the consideration of my lips, and i can't seem to -- with my might -- force them out. i'm afraid. i'm afraid that my. i'm afraid that my heart is breaking. i don't know how to fix it. i feel so lonely right now, which isn't a feeling i've felt in a very long time. it's been a while since the emotion has plagued me.

last night i spun my car. let me just first say, thank God it was "spun" and not "rolled". i took a corner faster than i knew i should. the corner felt good at first, but my tail end -- the one i try to keep behind me -- came out and demanded control from the rest of the car. without thought i gave into corrective countermeasures by counter-stearing. i fought hard as long as i could as the wet road ahead came abruptly into view, but when the thought passed through my head that i was going to smash into the wall i let up. i let go of the steering wheel and throttle, and let the car take its action. for a second i grabbed it again and violently spun the steering wheel back the other way...just as the final bits of momentum spun the car to its original direction.

it took me a second to shake off the numbness and absorb the immensity of the situation. as cars approached from behind, i got back on the throttle and shifted the car to the right lane. one car flashed its lights in disgust. they had every right to... but the others understood what truly went on and passed cautiously, probably wondering what caused the spin, and where i'm going next.

...enter my heart... i hate to always bring it into things, but it hit me hard that this flash point tragedy has sung the verse of my heart, and the song's going somewhere i can't understand, nor desire to follow. but inevitably, this is the way of gravity, and the form of love.

well gosh, the last day has been FILLED with music. i met with nik fury and went over the upcoming show we're playing together with emily overstreet. i'm very excited, even though it's going to be a short set. nik's been a buddy of mine, and we go back a ways. it will be a fun evening (november 3rd). if you're interested in coming, click here for more info.

i'm also thinking a lot about a song which i've been working on. i think it's now done. in its simplicity, it is complete. i believe i'll be calling it "music is love"... unless something more fitting falls from the ceiling into my lap. --which is might.

OH! i have to share about my new love, but much time needs to go into that one, so hang tight, she'll be coming up soon.

you always want what you can't have. why is this? i always want company when no one is around. why am i so vulnerable? i don't want to be weaker when i'm alone -- i shouldn't be anyway. i always what i can't have, but why?

ah how poetic, 21 minutes left of being 21. its like the last 21 years have been waiting for me. 21 symphonies playing, a new piece for each movement. 21 was the last year i looked forward to. 21 feet to the end of the runway and then liftoff. i've been building speed the last 21 years and now it's time to fly. time to pursue my dreams, 21 to one. it's more than a thesis or compilation, it's an eruption of 21 years of buildup. my one prayer is that the next 21 years will be airborn, leaving the runway behind and soaring far higher than my short-sighted dreams anticipated from the ground. 21 is a start. 21 is where everything aimed up until now, but 21 is the lowest point i ever hoped to fly.

i guess that 21 has treated me well. i try and go back often. i feel that in my 21 years, i have fond points in hard times, and the vividness of the memories have faded. i wish that i could return to each year and remember a few great memories, but as 21 progresses the lesser years blur together. i'm getting older, this is okay. i'm going to look back in 21 years and wish i were so childish again. i'll wish that i had it easy like i have now. 21 will come and go again, and before i know it i'll be over the hill. the fabric of my brain will be crammed with more memories, and images that seem so clear right now will no long fire nerve endings, no longer be accessable, in short -- they'll be lost. 21 will stay with me though. 21 is a kind of endless chapter in my heart disc... one of pure ambition, of clear mistakes, of deep lows, and upper extremities worth challenging. i will accept the challenge of one more year, and add one more to my vocabulary of age, but 21 will be the feeling i will go forward with.

i've forgotten what it feels like to be lonely and miserable *smiles*

i have a problem that i must get over. i have a lack of discipline. if someone invites me to do something, i'll accept, despite having homework. it always leaves me sleep deprived and miserable the next day. i'm obsessed. i can't ever weight homework as more important than living life. i just need to get out of the mentality that if i do homework i'm not living life. living life to its fullest sometimes means getting stuff done, and THEN going to play. . . . it's a learning experience for me.

you caught me off guard today, just the same way you did when i met you for the second time behind the desk at the club. i was wearing my favorite blue shirt, you had your hair perfectly arranged. ...fast forward two months and i'm falling apart at the seams, my pride has me so blind, and my immaturity in it has ruined all that we had. grasping for anything and coming to the realization that being the person you deserve is something i just wasn't prepared for. it was nice seeing you today, if even for just enough time to smile and wave.

i realize how badly i've ruined things, and then once they were bad, i drove them into the ground. my heart was definitely in the wrong direction. a stroke of insanity blended with wisdom and i threw away your number, and purposefully memorized a false one, knowing that if I didn't force myself to leave you alone, i'd making things worse -- not to mention i would never learn the lessons that i needed to.

anyway, thanks for every time you think of me now with forgiveness in your heart, though i don't deserve it. you're an amazing person. i was privileged to know you.

--anata no wasureta tomodachi kara.

i'm marking this one because I need to remember it. I was speechless when I read it, and still am today. t touched me in a way that I can't truly describe. it changed my perspective on things, and gave me boosted hope and faith. i'm thankful for the family i have in these two.

Okay, so you've been heavy on my heart this week. Partly because it was just really good to see you again and partly because there is something you need to know: You are an incredibly rare treasure.

From the time you were oh-so-young, [we] recognized what a gifted person you are. But it goes beyond that. You are genius, true, but you are a wonderful friend and truly funny person and one of our favorite people to "hang out" with. Beyond that, and this is the part I don't think you are fully aware of: you are a rare and precious "catch." Meaning this: whoever captures your heart is a very blessed woman. I can tell that you have lots of girl friends but when we were talking on Sunday, I just wanted to say, "Don't rush God's timing because He is going to amaze you with the woman He has in store for you." But, I didn't because I'm a very poor conversationalist and I'm always worried about getting tripped up on my words.

In addition to all your favorable traits, you have such a great family and your parents are a portrait of a beautiful marriage. Take it from someone who married a truly wonderful man with an equally wonderful family, that by itself is a priceless gift.

I think that's all I need to say but please don't laugh these words off or take them lightly because you need to know...

oh yeah, and could you give my wife my phone number, i'd really like to have a talk with her about some stuff... thanks.

lord, i'm not beautiful. inside or out... but i want others to know that they are.

oh how i hate being called bud. just don't do it. it's demeaning. I don't talk down to you -- I won't call you child's name, so do me the same courtesy.

i have no friends that are on my same schedule. seriously, lamest friday ever.

i've found a pacifier. rascal flatts' 2006 album. it's so good. i hate to admit it, but it really is.

i'm so upset right now that i fail to think in a congnacent manor. i'm too upset to spell correctly right now(cognisant). how could i have missed it? how could i have been so naïve? i really don't care about what was said about me, i really don't. but i do take that sort of thing as hostile motion. and then to turn on family -- i can't take it. i'm trying so hard not to lose my cool. i'm trying sooooo hard. i need to breathe. just breathe. breathe... that's it. breathe.

i found this old letter, and there's some great advice in it. i wish i realized its significance sooner. though -- i'm glad that i learned the lesson at all.

I love you so much, and knowing that you're hurting tears me apart, knowing that you've shed tears over me rips me to shreds. I hate knowing that I'm the one that's causing you pain. I've never felt that I'm worth crying over. I know though, that if it didn't happen when it did, it would have gotten worse. I would have hit a breaking point, not because you pushed me there, but because I do NOT know how to be in a relationship. I love you so much, and I'm sorry you have to suffer because I can't learn lessons. I want to be your friend, be close to you, and be there for you, but I want you to learn how to satisfy yourself too.

People will fail you, I've failed you, and through the course of your life, people will ebb and flow, come and go, and will be there or not be there to see you through. Learn to cherish the times that you don't have to go through things alone, but also learn how to cherish the times that you have the silence and peace to think things through on your own and do them your way.

i'm REALLY not joking. that sucker's loud. what the heck is he talking about?

I'm never going to get on top of my sleep schedule am I? I may fail a class, so I'm going to try and take an incomplete in it -- but strangely enough, the smell of fresh cut grass subdues all anxiety I feel about my academic worries. My life is good... I just need to sit down and work hard for the next year if I'm going to be what I was designed to be.

and I think i have it figured out. the frogs (which are SO loud outside my window) stop croaking when a loud truck comes by... then they start to croak some more, starting with the ones up stream. I'm beginning to study them, my slimey neighbors. One of them has a BOOMING voice. I find that he always tends to talk about the same old thing... I wonder what that is.

well... forgive me, please. i'm sleep deprived and going to bed. I just wanted to share my thoughts on the beauty of spring. *yawn*

i just noticed while i was on the phone with my dad, that we have the exact same rhythmic timing when we say "okay. *pause* bye!" i wonder if a person's rhythm is built in, or do they learn it? what makes us want to dance to something, or tap our toes to something? is it acquired or inherited? just a little nugget for thought...

more than ever, my place is starting to feel like home. having moved a few times in the last year, i have felt constantly uprooted. last night i came home after a tiring day of pulling my car apart, missing a race, and burning through all of my free time for the weekend. exhausted and gloomy i kicked off my shoes, dug my feet into the cool, soft, carpet and flicked on a warm light in the corner of the living room. the whole apartment radiated the aroma of the shrimp stew my room-mate fixed earlier in the evening. i cracked the porch door open and was hit with a wave of sound -- frogs, seemingly millions of them; louder than rush hour traffic on the nearby highway. it struck me, my little treefort in the forest has become home. not just the title HOME, but the feeling of it -- the feeling that comforts your heart when you think of sitting on that old familiar couch after a stressful day.

tonight i am going to neglect my homework and go to an open mic. neglecting music for music's sake. who would have thought. oh well -- i could be doing something far worse instead of homework!

people inspire me, it's just the way that God has wired me. i've learned to harness this fire in me. it's the flame that keeps me moving, and i have no doubt that this was God's plan all along for the person i am. i'm doing a lot of thinking about the future, and with perfect timing i've been exchanging words with friends -- some old, some new, but all of them have my best in mind, and that keeps me driving steady forward. here's a bit of inspiration that i've received so selflessly from others that helps me keep my vision on the future God has for me...

Jordan,
The best advice I could give you would be to dive in. Knowledge and training are important but at the end of the day it is about learning how to make whatever gear you have sound good. Its about capturing good sounds and learning to use technology to piece it together. Its about your ears and your musical instincts. Producing is just guiding an artistic vision. Its about pulling something out of an artist that they may not even know is there. Good luck with your career. Keep the passionate approach. That'll take you far. Let me know if you ever want to come record an album in Nashville. Take care.
-S.G.

june is coming soon, and winter is leaving. i wish her well, she treated me well this time around. i have all sorts of ideas of what june means to me, and i wrote them out. there are still improvements to be made, though. somehow, i want people to understand what kind of a girl june is to me. it's complicated. she's mystical, she's unpredictable. she makes my heart race, makes me want to give my all and be what i've always dreamed of. but i can't figure her out, i always tend to lose her after a while. if i could figure out how to keep her, i would, and i'd write it out. for now i'll just keep dreaming of june, and the warmth she brings.

i saw a dear friend, a love i once had tonight. i recognized her by her laugh, and before any sort of cognizance took effect my cheeks had stretched into a smile. soon after and my cheeks began to understand why my heart wasn't smiling too: she was at another table. there are two things i'd like to let my heart heal. first is to know that she's wonderfully happy. second is to have her forgiveness. that's all my heart wants. then both my heart and my cheeks can agree again.

just a side note, i don't want to be me anymore. i've decided that I want to be that guy none of the ladies could get, and the guy that all of the men wanted to be like... yeah... i wanna be Jordy Beckett.

i am not gonna do it. i won't stay on task, and i won't get my homework done. i'm a rebel, and i can't stop talking to people. just 2 more years, and i should be able to talk to people all i want... right now i guess i should focus. time for caffeine!

had i known i wouldn't have answered the door. i never check, maybe it's a good reminder to use the small viewing hole that came with the door? yeah, it was pretty awkward, but i did a good job of being civil. i'm a decent actor. broadway -- here goes nothing.

maybe i'll just do homework tonight and tomorrow. in a sick sort of way it sounds good right now. okay, honestly, two things sound good right now: hanging out with my family, and getting homework done. luckily i have time for both!

i don't want the world to see me, 'cause i don't think that they'd understand. when everything's made to be broken, i just want you to know who i am.

mang- i don't know where i went wrong. i am slowly, slowly learning what's wrong with me. you've been on my mind the last week. i don't understand why. i hope you are well, and i pray for you when i remember. i realized as i started to write this tonight that a year ago we were celebrating. all of that is behind us though. i can't say much, not here, not in this venue, but i almost called you the other night. yours was the only phone number i could remember. the water was rushing past, and i remembered how you rescued me once before and i almost desperately reached out to you again. i knew that you'd come pick me up -- soaking wet, hate every minute of it, but you'd do it, because you're faithful to your friends. i remembered a song i played for you long ago called "on the way down" and i'm not sure i formally thanked you.

i've spent the last couple weeks upset that so much has fallen apart between my friends and i... you being one of the majors....and i too easily put behind me the good memories that got me here. i'm sorry for my actions. im sorry that i ever raised my tone toward you. i'm sorry about every word, every step, every blink that i gave that destroyed that trust. i know that things change, and i can't express the unspeakable things i've learned in the last year. i know i'm a work in progress, that's no excuse for my selfish pride though.

i doubt you'll ever even read this, but if you do stumble on it by mistake, i'm sorry. i'm sorry that our friendship fell apart. i'm sorry for every moment of frustration. i'm sorry that i didn't thank you sooner for saving me. i'd fix everything in a heartbeat if given the ability and chance. i hope you're wonderfully happy, and content, and successful. thank you, manga.

i've slept the whole day away. what's wrong with me? no, it's okay in moderation -- everything is. everything in moderation, all at once. all at once, and that's the way it always goes. saturday night was an amazing celebration of music with good friends from the opposite side of the globe. afterward it was an amazing celebration of friendship with friends from across the city. the end of it, sadly, yielded a war celebrating tensions with neighbors across the table. as i stood with my feet in the river the last 18 months was a memory, encompassed into one thought. the water's not so cold tonight, but it's funny how black socks and sore tempers change your perception. where did I go wrong in all of this, i wondered to myself. why these cycles? what's the reason for this or that. it's always questions. i stared across the river as thunder came from the skies above, as cars traversed the bridge that shadowed me from the stars. God, what is so wrong with me that I destroy my friendships? in the last 6 months i've had everything -- and i'm so thankful for it all. i've lost love and its depth all too late. i've made mistakes i wouldn't normally, and lost my head because i've been insecure.

i'm always right. don't argue with me. my head's harder than yours and i'll prove it. i always do. and that's why i'm alone. this week i'm practicing, though. no one cares if i'm right or wrong, what they see is my stubbornness. my arrogance. even if i were right, let's suppose... it doesn't matter. where's my heart? i'm practicing though. i'm seeing these moments where i'm about argue because i think i'm right, and i try to bite my tongue. i'm stubborn, i'm prideful, and i'm thankful that everything is falling apart. this time -- unlike the rest -- i'm not going to pick up the pieces. i've tried before...

so I met this absolutely beautiful woman recently. i entered the depot about sixty minutes ago to find her sitting there much to my surprise. for some reason something in me got up the courage to talk to her, and spoke we did. many words exchanged but so much was left unsaid -- and in eye contact. well our train rolls in and we decide to sit next to each other. i was so excited, i was giddy, i was childish, i couldn't see straight. she and i moving at lightning speed, going somewhere... somewhere...

all of the sudden it occurred to me that i didn't know where the train was going. i lost my head, i freaked out, and she tried to keep me calm but i wasn't to be contained. all at once the impact of what was going on struck me, and i had forgotten that i was sitting next to magic. all at once i had to get off the train -- i had to regain perspective, i NEEDED to know where things were going. "Did I have the right ticket?" I asked myself. I sat in the depot as the train continued on its way. I've been sitting here for almost thirty minutes now... just waiting. I think I have it figured out now, and I wish I read the ticket better prior to boarding. No matter -- I now know better. Goodness my hands are cold. I just want to sit on that warm bench and watch the trees fly by with no intent or direction. It's been about 30 minutes now. I wonder if the train is going to pull into station again... If it does, i'm gripping the ticket firmly in both hands. The suns gorgeous today, but it's so cold. I have nowhere to be right now, I'll just sit here and wait...

Well I cannot tell you for sure now,
But I'd lie if you asked me to.
I've been gone for far longer than I'd care to
and I'm back, but I'm locked in my room.
I'm back but I'm locked in my room.

The rain falls down and I wait it out.
I'm stuck inside under the clouds.
Surrounded by friends but alone with my thoughts,
so I figured I'd just write them out.
I figured I'd just write them out.

I'd sell all I have and swim all the oceans,
I'd climb ev'ry hill, blindfolded, backwards,
I'd battle the world, then lay down my pride and I'd lose.
If you were the one for me.
If you were the one for me.

I waste all of my time wond'ring,
"Why can't I find something clever to say?
-- Something profound in its beauty."
But eloquence isn't my thing.
No eloquence just ain't my thing.

I'd sell all I have and swim all the oceans,
I'd climb ev'ry hill, blindfolded, backwards,
I'd battle the world, then lay down my pride and I'd lose.
If you were the one for me.
If you were the one for me.

But now how I wish I were fourteen.
How things were much easier then:
Love conquered fear and my words came out just how
They sounded inside of my head.
They sounded inside of my head.

So leave me your name and your number,
And tell me how you may be found.
And if I suppose or remember
I'll call you when I come around.
I'll call you when I come around.
I'll call you when I come around.

when i was young the smallest trick of light would catch my eye and life was new and every new day I thought that i could fly. i believed in what i hoped for, and i hoped in things unseen. i had dreams and dreams could soar -- i just don't feel like flying anymore.

o·ver·whelmed
adj: rendered powerless especially by an excessive amount of profusion of something

this paper kills me... no, this teacher kills me. 91 seconds of music, or on paper, 26 measures of music -- and i'm supposed to write five pages on this crap?!?! *sigh* the numbers are against me... heck, ALL numbers are against me. I balance my checkbook, and I can't buy a jug of milk if I want to pay my lease this month. On the other hand, things do look up occasionally. I've become content with being alone. A whole house to myself (which in itself has been a huge blessing, and a terrible curse all wrapped into one), i have become content having dinner alone. I'll sit and read my audio engineer catalog while i finish my mashed potatoes and roll the peas around on those dark blue plates. Life isn't terrible, it's just terribly hard; and though these ten weeks will be the toughest yet, i know in my heart the important things:

God loves me where I'm at.
music is my calling
i won't starve
my family will always be there for me

     ...back to work

...I wonder what my wife is doing right now, what she had for breakfast, if she had to hurry through her shower, what she has on her to do list, if she'll pass me in the streets today...

well, it's off to court yet again. this is getting tiresome, and expensive. pray for success

Go your own way, for i was used
'Twas only in your life for you.
I'm tired of all your "heart-felt" lies
you told me just to self-amuse.

Am I just a season passed?
You came, and saw and got your laughs.
I stand here conquered, broken trust
cements the mem'ries in my past.

Don't tell me my worth and regress
to things of long stagnation rest,
and without effort or remorse
make me the crim'nal of your jest.

Your words are mock'ry without weight;
the things you said to make me stay.
And now i'll always second guess
when you come with intentions best.

I do travail in vain i fear,
to find a worthy friendship here,
that has my best in times at hand
and still my best with all else jeer.

You earned my trust some time ago,
but we were young, and guards let go,
allowed these walls to crumble down,
and let a faithful friendship grow.

But what is trust with fickle heart,
or faithfulness that grows apart,
the bricks that fell I find me now,
to lead me to a brand new start.

So don't this time return with will
to gain my trust and remain still.
A part of me was lost in trust
that can't can't be found once it's been killed.

you have got to be kidding me! i'm serious. i don't know what i'm doing wrong... maybe it's not me? i would hope not. i am registered for 18 credits this term at the university (the maximum allowed is 21) as well as working at Costco to support myself. i don't think i really have the strength to deal with explosions like this. though it seems that every person that i've gotten close to in the last four months has a self destruct button that without fail gets pressed. how many more friends are going to self-destruct before i can find one i can count on? jeez. you time bombs need to stop blowing up. seriously.

on top of everything else, i am dealing with three bogus tickets in a ten day period, on top of getting my car booted yesterday during school ($70 fine) for two, count em TWO, parking tickets (*gasp*) from 2004. WTF mate? the city is taking advantage of college kids these days to make their money. i am going to be hard pressed to pay the bills this month. 97 + 97 + 350 + 70 + 40. I haven't done the math yet, but i'm pretty sure it's more than I make. It's a good thing that I don't have to pay for school on top of everything else. *sigh* sorry for the rant, things will look up when i'm not stressed about finances when i go to buy milk for my morning cheerios.

okay, to clear it up for everyone, so i don't have to explain any more(i'm not THAT fast of a typist)... yes, i did end up in the er yesterday. 3/24 i woke up at about 6 am totally unable to move anything in my mouth. my tongue, my throat, my lymph nodes "glands" -- they were all swollen. I couldn't move any of the muscles in my mouth. I couldn't negotiate my tongue to swallow. On top of that, the pain was absolutely excruciating. I could barely breathe if i didn't swallow, and every time i did, it just about floored me. I couldn't talk, so i resorted to texting my dad. He wouldn't respond, so i called him and hung up, and texted again until he responded. he couldn't for the life of him figure out what i was doing texting him in the early morning like this. panic-stricken, he ran out the door to come get me, worrying that he might need an ambulance, i told him we didn't. so we go downtown, and get signed in, and a doctor comes to see me, sticking things in my mouth after a blood pressure reading. dr mike weinstein, btw... great guy! very friendly and compassionate. he first thought it was strep, and looked in my mouth and saw that it wasn't... then decided to check for mono... so i sat in the room waiting for someone to come draw some blood, when i began to feel sick to my stomach. i got this hot flash, and felt like i was going to throw up so i knelt by the sink. my dad ran to get someone. they brought back a "barf bucket" (gosh I love the name), and i decided a trip to the bathroom was in order. walking slowly toward the bathroom everything began to blur. the sounds all became mush, i couldn't understand much of what was going on, and everything began to get very faint (like when you press on your eyeballs for a few seconds with your fingers). I began to lose it, and I knew it, so i slowly fell to the ground so i wouldn't hit hard if I did blank out.

good call! everything started to come back to life as I sat on the floor after 3 people (i'm assuming nurses and doctors) helped me find my way to the floor gently. in almost no time at all someone had a wheel chair for me, and my dad wheeled me to the restroom and escorted me in. talk about uncomfortable. I don't think i've gone to the bathroom in the same room as anyone since I was still toilet training. no matter -- he was a great support to me the whole morning. as i was using the bathroom, i began shaking uncontrollably. i went back to the bed they had for me, and wrapped up in a few blankets, and lay there shaking a little while. i eventually chilled out (or slept, i don't recall). the next thing i remember, there was a gentleman, built big, he should have been a bounce, talking very graciously to me, getting me set up to draw blood. when he was done he departed saying "i hope you feel better, guy".

i was awe-struck at how compassionate the human being is. all these wars, and political battles, and problems in our world seem so small when approached with some compassion and caring. I got dressed again (i had been in the typical hospital garb), and my dad escorted me home, where i slept for another 8 or 9 hours (yeah that's about 14 or 15 hours of sleep in a 24 hour period). I woke up at 5:30, and then went back to bed at 2 am. needless to say, im staying home from work for a few days. today, i have steroids, antibiotics, and painkillers in me... and i still can choke down scrambled eggs... it's gonna be soup for the next few, i'm afraid.

being a music major is much more than just practicing an instrument and sitting around singing kumbayah. it also involves musical analysis. this i don't mind, but every once and a while i just don't feel like putting up with your standard, run-of-the-mill analysis. i suppose you could say that sometimes you can't analyze without being anal.

so here i sat in dairy queen on campus eating a burger and fries, exhausting my unlimited soda refills while i wrote. for the most part i enjoyed what i learned in the paper. but i came to an article that i had to analyze that i just didn't appreciate the way that the professor did. so i let her know that. we email our papers in, and she emails us back responses and corrections. here is the unedited response and paper. i love how she said it may get me in trouble. booya!

This is very good work. You have an interesting, quite pointed writing style, which will probably get you into trouble at some point, but which worked well for this paper. Ever thought of taking up music criticism as a side line? Your composer study was slightly less thorough than I would have liked, and you made a couple of small errors, but you have done very good work in this paper. Congratulations!
-Jamie Weaver (97%) A

LORENZO BIANCONI, “Social condition of the musician”
     Lorenzo Bianconi has an elaborate sense of responsibility to the reader to supply more-than-ample information and substantiation for his simple and clearly stated thesis. His thesis, stated clearly in the last paragraph on page 84 of the chapter 13 excerpt is that “composers’ careers are forged less out of personal initiative than through contact with particular artistic institutions and social structures”. He goes on to give several indications of his point, illustrating that musicians can neither count on success nor plan on it.
     Bianconi’s writing may inspire critics to request sedation while reading and attempting to interpret his endless ramblings about a simple point which has been the prominent case of musicians for hundreds of years, and remains constant today: musicians with unsung genius are just as common as the average musician becoming deified as a model for musical and cultural practice. Bianconi gives several examples in different lights. He first speaks of musical employment as a means for financial income. He lists in disdainful detail the depressing state of musicians in Venice, while affluent musicians abound in Rome, enjoying such luxuries as real estate, multi-commissioned status, and musical exchange with fellow musicians. Biaconi doesn’t fail to present good points in his writings. The Lully operation was an instance of a composer creating and nationalizing a musical format as standard. Later in his excerpt (page 86-88) he speaks on how musicians in a liturgical setting have far greater chances of becoming employed, paid, and guaranteed a constant job, though at a minuscule pay sum. He adds in his commentary that Venice had a limited number of paid musicians for a certain size population, and contrasts it with Rome in the mid 1660’s and its widespread musical culture and developing operatic standards. Unfortunately, Bianconi makes the mistake of blathering on with unnecessary examples of his earlier points.
     Over all, Bianconi has a firm grasp on the cultural climate of the European musician during the mid-17th century. Though boring, and overly expressive, his writing allows the reader much good information of the life outside of the “score”.

i'm a monster. there IS no other way to put it. for the first time that i can remember i really yelled at Krystle. tempers were heated, we both wanted to be heard, we're not getting anywhere. EVERYONE tells me that a serious relationship ended requires space. we had conquered all else, so in my mind, our friendship would persevere... though all of that's falling apart. i'm crumbling everything. even my dad told me that things need space right now. I was sure he was wrong, we're above this, we'll find a way. Millions have fallen in love. Millions have persevered. Everyone wants to make it work. She was the one person that ever told me I could do it (when I thought I couldn't) and kept telling me that until I had the strength to get up and do it... but she's not saying that now either. Here I am, convinced the whole world has it backward. I keep thinking we'll rise above, yet the closest people to ever know me, my parents and Krystle, both know that it can't be fixed right now.

I just want everything to be better... and I'm so unstable. I've become repulsive. it's time to open my ears, there needs to be space. love is a powerful thing, and you risk it all. i didn't know that when you love someone, and separate from them, you can't have everything but the love back. ...i mean, the friendship she and I had during the last year, will never be the same. i KNOW in my heart we can still be good friends, but everyone tells me we'll never be best friends again. all i can do is look at my feet when i walk. i've come so close to ruining everything we had. i'm going to quit while there is still something left to lose. i wish she knew how sorry i am. i wish i could do something so extraordinary that she'd simply forgive me for everything. all of my shortcomings and downfalls, both in the relationship and now, and put everything away but the good memories. if i weren't such an unstable -- with all of my drastic highs and lows -- maybe she would have wanted to stay with me. i have a closed mind, and everyone's trying to lovingly tell me this. for now all i can do is stare at my feet when i walk, and hang my head low. i've been a monster. no one warned her. no one warned my family... but they've seen me through. and now, i'm backing down not because there is no hope for our friendship, but because everyone tells me this is the only hope for saving what we've got.

Krystle, if you ever read this, i'm so desperately sorry for everything. i am not myself, i've changed. the person you fell in love with would have never spoke to you that way.

i'd be stupid to think i was the only one. i saw it coming, i was concerned, i was told otherwise, but i'm not stupid. i can read body language well enough to know when there is chemistry going down. don't downplay what's up, keep up with what's going down. i'm sick of bs. i'm sick of being the nice guy. i've let everyone walk over me. that's it. take a hike! everyone! get out of my life, if you don't 100% want to be in it. don't even try and tell me that you care if caring takes too much effort. if sticking around is too tiresome, take this as your invite to leave. here... I'll show you the door, and please leave cordially. i've been the one making the scene, taking the heat for this broken heart -- taking the wraps for this loneliness. haha i was so stupid. i'm the nice guy, remember. *deep breath* yes, i'm ranting. i do that hear, because no one's going to talk back. no one's going to tell me, "yeah, i saw it coming too, i just didn't have the heart to break it to you..." They're going to make up some cheap excuse and hope that i buy it. i normally do, because i'm desperate. i clung to her, because she was the first person to love me so deeply, though it was only a season in our lives. it wasn't the purest love... love would have endured. love wouldn't have kept record of wrongs. she missed that. i missed that. but it's not just her, i've been there with everyone. i think everyone has my back, and i get close only to find out that my security was falsely substantiated.

why just the other day it happed for the second time in six weeks. i get to know a girl, totally digging having a new friendship, and we hit it off great. we make plans a week in advance to hang out and all of the sudden i can't get ahold of her. she screens all of her calls, and it's obvious -- you know -- OBVIOUS. I'm not stupid. i'd be so stupid to keep accepting the apologies i'm fed. keep in mind, though, this is the second girl in two months to do this to me... and one was attached, and the boyfriend and I were cool with each other. i'm so confused.

with valentine's day just hours away, i have no one to celebrate love with. last year i celebrated a lovely friendship that would spark into the most wonderful relationship i've known yet. this year i'm finding a trend. meet someone, step out of comfort zone, get close to new person, said new person shuts down, and cuts me out. whether it takes months, or days, it always happens. what is it about me that cause people to turn ice and cold-turkey me out of their lives? and don't tell me, because it's probably going to be a sugar-coated answer. i'd be so stupid to buy it...again.

oh God, i'm so confused. my head is a carousel. my heart is more volatile than the ebb and flow of the enraged seas. i pivot between wanting to be famous, and wanting to be on the headlines. i could never. i never will. i'm just bottled up and don't know how to express myself. the heart is a powerful instrument. when pointed in the wrong direction it does unfathomable destruction and finds in itself no mercy for others. when caught up in such a heart, a sympathetic heart will reverberate the damage. i became caught up in one of the most beautiful and passionately expressed hearts i could ever imagine, and being torn apart from it did ten thousand times worse damage than an evil heart. there is no power greater than love, second to it is hatred and evil. third to all of that is a broken heart. in my short time on this earth i haven't experienced anything but the three. God, i'm so confused. i fear my maker is the only one who can sort out my thoughts. i've lost something i should have never had. i'll never lose something that i forgot i had. and i'll never have what i fear i've lost.

tonight i tried. i really did. i called eight different people tonight. no luck. tell me it's me? tell me it's them? how is it that no matter how hard i try sometimes... everyone but me is always busy. sometimes i think it's all in my head... but this is to effing common. happy friday all, i hope that your day hasn't been a waste as mine has. i look forward to friday nights. i used to make a date of it with my best friend, but those are all over now. now i make my own dates, i keep my own schedule -- which i can't seam to fit with anyone else. do you ever feel like you've jumped on a mery-go-round and everything is blurring no matter how hard you fight the spin by turning to the side? all that i wish in these times is for someone to come along who doesn't blur when i blink. go ahead, pass me by if you're not faithful. i don't need unfaithful friends... i need the faithful ones. i'm not confused. i'm not blurring. everyone around me is. i'll get out of this town someday; then i'll have an excuse to feel so lonely again. for now i just let them go by as i watch with my lips sealed tightly. i keep a key under my doormat hoping someone other than me won't want to be locked out. i leave my car unprotected thinking someone may want to get away with putting something on my windshield. i even go to such great heights as to call people. what am i thinking. this is madness. something in me keeps whispering... "let them pass you by." what else is there to life but fighting the current anymore? I have come to a new season. I am the current. Others fight me, i'm not moving.

i came across a note i had written 364 days ago, and if it were last year, i'd give it to her tomorrow after writing it out, revising, and rewriting it again. it seams appropriate. i haven't changed any of it, though i left a few sentences out that were between her and i. as i look back on the last year she helped me become more of the person i've always wanted to be. thanks to God and her i'm a much different person than a year ago.


~
I'm sure you knew this note was due, and I pray that you don't tear it up before you read it. Im sorry I blew up, I can't figure out what's wrong with me. Why I can't just chill. Why I always go dramatic and get pissed off at myself. I care for you -- probably more than I should. More than I let myself admit. I honestly do. I know you probably don't want to forgive me. That's fine, I deserve it after being such a jerk to you. And after the hypocrite that I've been Im sure you're doubting all the "heart-felt" things I said. But I really did, and still do mean those things; im so sorry to have ruined such a lovely friendship. im sorry that im a person of two standards. im sorry to make you open up, then blow up and freak out when it's my turn. I wouldn't want to be around someone like that, either. So I just leave you with this: none of my love and caring for you was ever false. the words I spoke in confidence were in all honesty. Im just not the person I hope I'll someday be, and Im so sorry to have hurt you. Im not sad that I blew up, I fear it’s become my only escape to retreat and get my thoughts straight that I know anymore. Im not sorry to be confused, though I hate it. Im sorry that I betrayed your trust. I really didn't mean to, I just don't think. Anyway, now that I've destroyed such a beautiful thing, I want you to only know how sorry I am for everything. Most sincerely...
~

tonight i feel overwhelmed. i have been overcome with thoughts for a few days now, most of them memories. i came home tonight after facing defeat with my car. i parked my borrowed car in my driveway and went for a short walk. there was my place of refuge... though it no longer had that sense of peace to it, so i promptly turned away and went home. when i got there i sat down on the dry curb. there i sat, there i thought for a long while. it began to rain almost immediately, as if God himself was painting the moment. i remained stationery with my arms crossed and my head on my knees. the rain slowly increased. most of my thoughts were scrambled, unintelligible pieces of emotion that appeared in no particular order. though some were very clear and overwhelmingly vivid memories. they brought warm tears that fought off the chilling cold of the downpour. and most the while i sat and fought with my thoughts. i know these things i'm thinking and feeling can't be true, but they feel so real. i'm trying not to believe there's a reason for all this. a reason she's happier apart from me, a reason i'm not doing well in school, a reason my car always has problems i can't overcome, a reason no one calls me back, a reason i've not gone anywhere with my music, a reason why i have trouble finding someone i can rely on. as i sat on the wet curb, the gutter where my feet rested filled with water, my jacket and pants soaked, i realized that nothing i'm doing will make it better. i've tried to no avail for long enough. sometimes you can't try enough. sometimes you have to stop trying so hard to do it on your own and realize you're not making progress.

as the rain falls again i cry. God, i need a miracle in my life. i'm so lonely, and this ridiculous blog is all i have to speak to at night. i hate where i'm at, and i'm trying to change. trying desperately. nothing i do makes it any better. nothing i touch turns to gold. i can't live like this any more.

there's no mistaking it. something beautiful is now no longer. two hundred sixty eight days. she and I would always joke about how each new day is a new record. for her. for me. --some laughing matter now.

the facts are these. manga and i are now separated. if you don't understand that. look it up in the dictionary, because i'm not explaining much more. she has things she wants to work on. i don't understand fully... but i care for her, and that's what you do as a friend -- since that's all i am now. though i feel much like a second rate friend.

when she first told me that she wants to cease dating i took it hard. real hard. you see, in my mind everything was well. we were learning to communicate better, she was getting the space that she needed, we had fought through (and won) several hardships, and made many wonderful memories. but that wasn't what she needed all this time. so i lay in my room tear-struck for days. not eating, sleeping a lot, and mourning my loss. my head has been spinning ever since.

some things just aren't meant to be. but this was so wonderful. our relationship was my first, and i went into it with arms swinging. i'd do anything to make things work with my best friend whom i was growing to love. we fought. we cried. and we laughed. then we'd do it all again the next day. it was taxing. for the first 3 weeks i thought we were done right then and there. but we kept at it, and we continued to work on things. i blinked my eyes, and we had passed our six "mumf" mark. Even seven! a rarity in our culture it seams. we had beat the statistics, but more importantly, we had developed a relationship as wonderful as our friendship was. 8 months roll around, and she's feeling like she needs some space to breathe and grow. this is normal. in fact, this is healthy, and i encouraged this. we tried that and things were looking up. she was happier, we butted heads less because we remembered the value of our time spent together, and things grew into better balance.

*deep breathe* i don't even know where the dividing line is, though i wrote it down so i'd see it when i opened my eyes again. all of the sudden we start talking, and i start learning. i learned that cloudy morning that it just wasn't enough. she wasn't feeling free enough to balance her friendships and spread her wings, so something had to go. that something was "us".

take just a moment. turn off the music and the lights, and think about india a year ago. tsunamis tore it apart. too far away? picture new orleans. wind and waves ripped the city to shreds. now picture losing the most love like that. all of the sudden, no warning and little explanation. this is how i felt: devastated.

she has her reasons why. i don't yet understand them. maybe i won't. but she tells me she's happier. and that's what breaks me. i know she doesn't mean it this way, but it's the way it feels to me.... ...she's happier apart from me. she's happier to not have to worry. she's happier with them than with me. so she continues on, and i'm trying to not start from scratch. i'm trying to not feel like the whole 268 days she was thinking "this isn't as good as my freedom". i'm trying to steer away from the thoughts that if i would have tried just a little harder she'd still be happy.

-i'm 20, what am i going to do? too early for marriage, too late for games. i'm surrounding myself with "activity buddies" to help keep my mind occupied. SERIOUSLY. nothing right now can replace the wonderful friendship we had. and she would tell anyone we're still friends, and we are, but i got downgraded from "you're my best friend" to "i just don't need a boyfriend right now; i need to work on my friendships." i don't know where i stand anymore when she wants to hang out with others more than me. our relationship just isn't what she needs. i'm surely taking this harder than necessary. she wasn't just "bored" with the relationship and wanted to move on.

i love her. i'd take a bullet for her. she is my best friend. and if we go our separate ways and each marry someone else, i will still love her. she's a wonderful, delightful, dynamic, vibrant person with a very strong sense of personality and character. she will always be dear to me. i just wish that i was still the one she wanted to be close to. still the one she wanted to hold. still the one that she would call when she has bad dreams at night. still the one she wanted to get to know so deeply.

this wouldn't hurt so bad if it weren't such a precious, costly thing being put away for other things. two hundred and sixty eight days later i'm trying to figure out whether i was blinded by my perception, or if things just changed. how could they change? wasn't this what she wanted? wasn't she more happy than she'd ever been? did all of my friendship and devotion just dissolve in importance?

--gosh, here i go thinking too hard again. this is why i'm trying to avoid being alone. this is why im trying so desperately to find friends who care for me as much as manga always did. i should lay in bed and try and sleep. i'll just dream... ...dream about the stars at night... ...and the reflection on the lake... ...after a beautiful day on the water... ...the most heavenly setting... ...sun peaking through the clouds with silver lining... ...surrounded by vast canyons... ...wrapped my arms around her waist... ...sitting out in the open lake, just us two on the jetski... ...the clouds... ...the sound of her laugh... ...i love that laugh...


sleep.
sleep tonight.
and may your dreams
be realized.

when the thunder cloud
bears its rain,
so let it rain.
rain down on me.

wow! the time has gone by so quickly, and sometimes i forget to look back. i have been doing more of that lately than ever, because Manga and I are celebrating our six mumfiversary. (incase you didn't know, a mumfiversary is the celebration of an anniversary -- of the month persuasion.)

we have good memories: many nights of mixing hot chocolate in the cold winter and spring, snowboarding together, kissing in the rain, occasions of crying on each-others shoulders, wet sleeves, swimming at the lake with my little brothers, going out for sessions with his brother and other friends, parties and get together's at our houses with good friends, lots of movies (we, by the way, did finally finish watching the Lord of The Rings trilogy..."NEXT!"), unscheduled road trips... for no good reason... to nowhere in particular. I could go on and on, and with some time and thought write a novel. But the short-and-sweet of it is this: today we celebrate half a year (six mumfs) of friendship, love, and life.

*cheers* So here's to many more good memories!

i got to thinking about it today, and i can't remember very much about when i met Manga. and i can't remember much about the first time we made it a point to hang out together. this is kinda ground-breaking stuff... but somehow i just can't fabricate memories for those two days. and i don't feel too bad because, really, the rest is all history. our friendship now is so much more wonderful than when we were "buddies" just hanging out for fun. in the very beginning our friendship wasn't worth all that it is now. it was in a beginning stage then, but now, it's such a precious thing.

so it's really of little consequence that i can't remember. but just for the sake of having the memories i wish that i would have written it all down, or made a memo, or put some sticky on my wall describing the evening's events and the subject matter of conversation. if i had to go back and do it again, you know -- meet my baby for the very first time... again -- i'd surely take notes.

every once and a while i begin my day like this. i roll around in bed for about ten minutes before finally turning on the lamp and rolling out onto the floor. i, in a humorously sleepy daze, collect my clothes for the day and make my way toward the shower. refreshingly hot. that's all i can say. though now i am cold from sitting in a coffee house with an iced strawberry drink.

on and off. my cursor blinks as i sit and contemplate what to write. unfortunately i come up with nothing. my mind is overcome by the sensation of starting the day, exactly when the earth starts hers. i woke up to such beauty and wandered out to my car when the skies were yet blue. such peace and serenity surrounded me. i may quickly form a habit of this. as the golden sunshine makes its way across the sky, through the window, and over these gray plastic keys, i am filled with one emotion alone. peace. this will be a very good day.

when the sun goes down everything changes. subcultures come alive. the opposite side of the world blooms into vibrant motion. some beautiful, some violent. and we -- caught in the shadow of a massive globe -- begin preparing for sleep. i find it awefully curious that we as human beings spend so much time and effort preparing for hours of school, expell so much energy getting ready for several hours of work, but minimize our efforts toward bed. i am almost tweny-one. statistitions say i most likely spend a third of each day sleeping. that's seven years. seven years! that's a long time to hibernate. and during this time i usually dream.at this rate, i surely dream more than i am in school. so why do i lose sight of this when im awake? why don't i prepare for sleep like i would an exam? why do i despise facing the things that are on my heart and mind?

the sun goes down and causes us to cease one life and begin the next. this life we spend asleep inspires us for the real one we experience, the other two-thirds of our day.

tonight i lay awake thinking and preparing my mind for sleep. i look back over a beautiful day. a somber morning, a slow start, and work. work was slow at first, but then i became hopelessly lost in the bustle of a large community focused in one building and the day passed quickly. next i was presented with the excitement of anticipation fulfilled. after that i spent time with family in celebration of a close friend's birthday. laughter made her presence known very easily, and she spent the evening with me, my best friend, and my wonderful family. lastly i drove Manga home and kissed her goodnight after a long embrace at her door.

the details of the day are what make up our dreams. disastrous moments and beautiful memories made. they all get rolled together and wrapped in slumber as we fall into an unconscious state. so dream. dream sweetly tonight, and may your dreams be realized.

"hi, i'm jazz. just like me!"

okay, okay. guilty as charged. but you can't blame a guy for trying, eh? the truth is, i get distracted very easily. so Mang' and my five monthiversary rolls around, and i miss that. i try for the next five days... but nothing works... and then i get distracted. almost six months now. sigh. it always means a lot to her, but i just never get around to it. so today, and yesterday... i'm going above and beyond the call of duty. I started late last night, sacrificed many hours of sleep, and prolly got sick in the process. And at some point i stopped to think why i invest so much time into a project when i'm so late. a couple weeks late in fact. i totally missed the boat on the five monthiversary, right? well, yes. but i'm proud to say that today is a new record. I have never dated someone so long as i have her... and our friendship is developing into something im extremely thankful for.

so yeah, it's not really a six month, or even one year celebration... but today we celebrate the friendship God has given us, and the wonder of growing closer, hand in hand, getting to know each other better. so get your pencil and day-timer out, and start counting up the days, because today is a new record.

so a long lapse in blogging has just about ended. i will be getting internet soon. but that's not why im writing.

i have a place to myself right now... a great setup in a small town. but that's not why im writing

i got a little sunburnt hanging out with my little brothers in the sun washing cars today and playing in the pool. but that isn't what im writing about.

I can't decide which is better -- making a meal i know she'll like, or going to a restraunt i know she's fond of. candle light or sunset?

actually, i'm writing in celebration of manga and i being best friends for several months and "an item" for four months officially! i've learned so much. cried so much. laughed so much. collected much belly button lint. and learned to perservere.

through a series of phone calls i have determined that it may actually be possible to go with disc brakes on my car. hopefully they will not become disc breaks like my brakes have been in the past. the best part is that rebuilt brakes should run me five-and-a-half bills. these used discs off of another car (which should work on mine) will only run me a bill and a half. woohoo! finally something to be excited about. the collapse of my car may have been a blessing in disguise.

today is memorial day.
a wond'rful kind of day
the type of day you'd say...
'you always can come my way'

okay, i know. you don't have to say it. ...well, yeah, you do -- im incredible. my poetry skills are matchless. but today is worthy of a poem. i started my day a little late... around noon. toast for breakfast, manga came to the rescue to drive me around for the day. but to my great pleasure she was much more than a taxi service. loading my trunk in her car we dropped it off at my poor three-wheeled volkswagen. a bumpy start to our day, my manga is worth working things through with. so we go to my family's house for a bit and i can't remember why, but manga and i decide to go back to my house to get the bocce (BAH - chi) ball set. we loaded my replacement bumper into her trunk and set out to drop off one more car part to my neglected little VW. when we are almost there we get a call that a tow truck will be there in a few minutes to take my car to the body shop to get repaired (from when i hit a guard rail with my car). so they winch it up onto the bed (nearly killing the front lip of my lowered car because it's at an incline) and haul it away. what a humbling experience. my beautiful project car -- collapsed rear wheel, and smashed rear end.

so anyway off to a family BBQ with some extended family, and a few generations in the back yard of "the loft". good food, good weather, good conversation, good people. i had such a good time being with manga and my family, eating, wrestling with the dog, and throwing bocce balls in the grass of the back yard. though i couldn't get manga to play, just about every guy in the family played. my dad, my brothers, my grandpa. we all rotated out, and the competition got pretty fierce. my grandpa was undefeated but for my little brother danny (almost 10 years old). after things settled down we all headed home, and before i went home i hung out at my fam's place with manga. we played around a bit, i helped dusty with his math, but mostly we all just enjoyed each other's company.

i have to say... since i moved out, the time i spend with the family has felt so precious. the quality of our time together lately has been impeccable. then before ending the day, i vegged out by playing nfsu2 while manga read catch22. today has truly been the stuff memories are made of.

just a quick post. my car has been giving me troubles... it has been eating wheel bearings for some time now. i am on my third set of bearings. i used to think i just did a lame job installing them. and now i am sure that isn't the case. i found there was some play in the drum brake housing last time i installed wheel bearings. so all of this time i thought the wheel bearing was bad, i was putting it into a faulty shell.
so anyway, i went to work my 1-7:30pm shift at costco... long shift. (when costco is closed on holidays people think it is the end of the world) so on my lunch i went to see manga, since she's less than a 3 minute drive away. i see her, and after a long embrace i leave. on my way back, just before i reach a busy street, my wheel starts making some noise. so i pull over and hit the brakes gently. i get out and see that my car is sitting on the wheel. (i'll post pictures sometime). ...now my blood is pumping, im getting close to time to be back from lunch and im a few blocks away. so what do i do? throw my skateboard out of my car, shut the doors, lock them and sprint back to costco. i jump off my skateboard and clock in -- 45 seconds before i was late. PHEW! but then i could barely walk my left leg was cramped so bad. oh well, finished off the day nicely with a good friend. now i have to figure out how to get it fixed before autocross this next weekend.

this morning started out a little slow for me. okay. a lot slow. after holding hands with manga during a movie, sleeping through it, and waking up still holding hands with her, i kissed her good night and went home. i played around for a little while, and then decided to play my guitar. i did this for quite a while. it was very dark in my room, but i could tell the sun was coming up. i went to bed somewhere around 5:15 in the morning. i woke up at just 2 hours later. in a somewhat comical fashion i struggled throug my morning routine. shower: all i could manage was to wet my hair and dry it. toast: too much effort. i was cold, and soo very tired. i got a bowl of cereal and sat on my bed with my feet covered up. every few seconds i would nod off and spill milk on my lap. eventually i quit trying to stay awake and would close my eyes and drink my cereal like a cat would milk from a bowl. finally i woke up from my cereal 45 minutes later and got ready for church. though my morning routine was killing me. i made it. barely.

so after a few days of scorching heat and intense sun, what do we get but a cold, wet, thunderstorm. so im doing my duties at costco... you know -- paying tribute to the man...when all of the sudden my supervisors get the good idea to put 6 people out in the downpoor to push around 15-20 feet of chrome carts. i had three words to speak to that: human - lightning - rod. real good idea.

this is a test of my new emergency blog system.
no, not really. but through hours of work, and careful coding I have pulled apart all the pieces i need from other blogs to build my own. i am confident it will do everything I want it to... and MORE!

ahhhh. a breath of fresh air. running on three hours of sleep i go to school on time, but don't go to my first class because it was not a test day. no biggie. instead i sit on a bench and practice my guitar in the gorgeous sun! it was wonderful. then I went to lesson. but this time was different. maybe it was because i prepared. maybe mike was in a good mood. but for whatever reason, he worked me hard, but was encouraging about it. for the first time in a long time i heard the words "good job today" out of his mouth. maybe i can do this. just maybe.

so i am sure that most don't view anymore, because i have not been around. i don't blame you... i wouldn't want to keep reading the same posts on a blog either. well here's a little update, and a promise that things will change here pretty soon.

~

for the last couple months i have been staying at my grandparents' house. im using this as a crash course to prepair for living on my own (or with a room-mate). it's going well, and im really used to the silence now. though i don't get enough chaos from home anymore. in that time i've worked hard, i've got my butt kicked in school (messing up my plans to get a B.A. in Music, but i'll keep trying), wrecked my car again (but it was soooo cool, i'll tell about that sometime soon), and again. oh yeah, and manga is now MINE. im more happy than ever with our friendship, and what it's become. that will be (and has been) the subject of many posts.
so my grandparents are coming back, tomorrow in fact. which means i'm gonna have to be out of the house tomorrow. i've spent much time cleaning the loft. (the "LOFT" is what my friends nicknamed the place because of its secluded and spacious upstairs which we'd through many a good party. So I am moving back home until my place in coburg is ready next week.

Many exciting developments, for sure. I'll indulge a little more later, but I though I would let you all know that im alive and kickin'